A Matter of Age

It probably sounds incredibly stupid coming from someone who isn’t even thirty yet, but I have partially retired. I’ve become too old and ugly to keep working. At first sight, this will probably be laughable, until you think about what that means.

I already was old for a model. But that only makes things worse. I only had the luck of looking a bit young for my age despite a lifestyle that isn’t entirely healthy. The staying thin is the easy part really. You just need a healthy diet for that. Although I’ll confess that sometimes, after a very heavy meal, I did fast.

The problem however is age. And that’s what women are constantly judged by. It is logical that youth is idealized in some ways, but that’s not what’s happening here. What is happening is that women are no longer seen as interesting persons once they show even the faintest hint of a loss of youth. Imagine having a wrinkle. Imagine having a slight imperfection in the skin. Imagine having a grey hair (okay, I did have a few that got ruthlessly purged). Every day is another step closer to irrelevance.

Anywhere where appearance is important you can see this, not just in the fashion industry. The classical example of course is the movie industry. But, of course, all of those are just fringe affairs. There aren’t that many women involved there.

This fear of age however isn’t just something you see in these industries. Culture after all tends to be an expression of the society it’s from. And our society (and societies all over the world) basically see women primarily as objects, not as people. When an object becomes less aesthetically appealing, you will generally not want it in a prominent place anymore. Whereas for a person the appearance doesn’t really matter. A person has depth and personality, an object doesn’t.

But even then, it doesn’t hurt to retire from all this. Of course, there were things that I enjoyed. I can’t help it, although I suspect that at least some parts of it are social indoctrination. Women are taught to be vain, to enjoy receiving attention for their appearance. At the same time, we’re told that it is something awful.

Other things that could at least be enjoyed about being a model were that it pays relatively well, gives plenty of dating opportunities (which I naturally messed up as always), and then there is the most complicated thing. Status. On one hand, it’s nice to be seen as admirable, but on the other, it’s really unpleasant if you’re not admired for what you’re actually proud of.

I’ve never been able to feel proud for having a certain look and being able to pose and walk in certain ways. Sure, there is more to it than just being pretty, thin, and tall. But still, there wasn’t much that felt like real achievements such as solving a new protein structure or the like.

The objectification inherent in being a model always hurt, but it was far from the worst. I never particularly suffered from having to maintain my weight. Sure, sometimes I skipped a meal or the like, but I never had to resort to intentionally making myself feel sick of throwing shampoo over my food.

No, the absolute worst, and the thing that I’m truly ashamed of, is being part of a propaganda machine for patriarchy. It’s something I’ve struggled with almost since the moment I started, and especially since I actually built a bit of a career out of it. Now that I have a child to take care of it makes me feel even worse. From every side, the propaganda to aspire to a certain look and do everything to achieve that is there.

Sure, you can tell yourself that you’re just doing a job, and that if you weren’t doing it, someone else would and nothing would change. But that doesn’t matter. I like to think that it’s possible to be a morally decent person and that you can achieve much good by small things. Only, the fashion industry doesn’t give you that.

And it’s all so unfair and unreal. For instance, when I worked for a mainline brand, the clothes actually didn’t fit any of the models because the smallest sizes already were too large. So, pins and the like were used to get the right kind of fit. Others make a special version just for the models. It goes far beyond the whole photoshopping thing. Many of these brands don’t even make clothes that would fit me properly.

It’s all about a collective fantasy of women as objects that can be shaped into some sort of perfection that doesn’t even exist. We however are constantly indoctrinated to aspire towards that, and countless incredibly expensive products are on the market to help achieve that.

One of the largest markets is age. Just look at all the countless creams, drinks, and what have you. All of them to ensure that we keep looking young and fresh from the factory. Many of these products are a massive lie. Take for instance collagen supplements. I’ve even seen them in drinks (honestly, if you drink a protein it’s thoroughly broken down by the time it is absorbed by the body), but also as something to apply to the skin. Funnily enough, our skin is quite good at keeping out all sorts of things. That’s the whole purpose of the organ. So, those things also don’t achieve anything. The most you can do is to smoothen the top layer (which already is dead). It’s all nonsense.

But it’s sold, and we’re being forced to buy them by the great terror of growing older. Of becoming ‘ugly’ and ‘unattractive’. Personally, I might be a bit crazy, but I’ve always found that a face that’s not ‘perfect’ is much more appealing. I like seeing lines and wrinkles, I think that it’s beautiful when there are marks on the skin. When it’s part of a living, breathing woman. It gives character, it gives individuality. Ever little wrinkle shouts: “I’ve lived!“

And what is my face? What is the kind of face that women are told to aspire to? It’s nothing. It’s a mask, flat and even. It’s dead, it hasn’t lived and shouldn’t live. Why should we be afraid of living? Why should we be terrified of every sign of individuality?

It’s not bad or wrong to be imperfect. Quite the contrary, it’s beautiful. We, the ones who are held up as ideals, we’re not truly beautiful. We’re just dolls, we’re not allowed to live. And I’m so sorry for being part of this insane cult. I’m so sorry for having been part of the propaganda.

We shouldn’t be afraid or ashamed of becoming older. In fact, we should embrace it. We should embrace being human, we should embrace living life to the fullest. And we should try to let go of the endless indoctrination that tells us otherwise.

23 thoughts on “A Matter of Age

  1. I find your musings on beauty fascinating. raunchel.
    Cos I’m around your age, and I , Too, have been a Very Pretty Tall Girl TM since childhood. I never made any $ from it or had any good sex, but I know that feeling of simultaneous narcissism & desperate insecurity. Going radical += what freed me from it. Now that I’m chronically sick & spend my life in trackies without mirrors or frequent showering…
    – I actually belong in my body!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. To be honest, being pretty doesn’t help with good sex. Just with finding someone to sleep with 😉 I personally tend to only really wear designer clothes and everything that goes with it, but I fear I won’t be able to really overcome that.
      It’s really awful that your health is in such a state, but at least it has the advantage of helping you see what matters and actually have a healthier relationship with your body. But that probably sounds like complete rubbish.

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  2. and i, too , am LUSTful. You aren’t an Aries by any chance? This is why much of my blog’s been dedicated to untangling female lust. In fact , i felt most @ peace when Prosac killed my drive stone cold dead.

    I hoped I’d go asexual once i abandoned the dude-zone ( i only tangenially fit into it in the 1st place)
    but Alas~no such luck. Now i’m still lustful > just untethered to an object and desperately sensually deprived. Even being profoundly chronically ill hasn’t made the passion go away.

    It’s so deeply ironic that WE are seen as the un-sexual beings, when we’re erotically responsive in every body part & can keep tension going forever. We’re capable of climaxing without genital stimulation @ all. Isnt’ that incredible?

    It’s actually the doods that possess no sexuality whatsover. It doesn’t cease to amaze that they just don’t get what Eroticism even means.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m not an Aries, just another Leo (I think, I’m awful with things like that). Although there was this horoscope I once read of meeting someone I’d fall in love with. It happened more or less and lasted a whole month!

      The passion and desire are always there. It’s something that I think is a part of you and me. I find it hard to even sleep when I haven’t been with someone, and I struggle to not take my opportunities. Of course, this has only been fed by having a certain kind of look and I’m honestly terrified of getting older.
      In my limited (I loathe being near men from the core of my being), women are incredibly erotic. Just the way a simple touch can send waves through someone’s whole being. I’m ashamed that in a way, I’ve commodified something so beautiful, but at the same time, I love being able to share something as amazing as that.

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  3. You don’t need to touch a male to know they’re sexless- it’s obvious in their energy, behaviour & output.
    I have this stupendous fear response whenever I’m in a space alone with one: I have enough adrenaline to jump 5 meters in the air & run like an Olympian; my body screams @ me :”Danger! escape!’.
    It doesn’t abate until I’m outta there- it continued for hours once when I watched a movie with a dude-friend.
    It saved me from het-participation many a time before I discovered the Wonderful world of Man-haters 😉

    I used to watch telenovelas to get morsels of sensuality onscreen: they have these REallly looong kissing & “foreplay’ scenes. The silly melodrama just sneaks in the real point of the genre (which does very well worldwide!].
    It’s really female erotica!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh absolutely. They’re such bland creatures without any real spirit behind their actions. They just don’t seem to have real emotional depth or anything to give meaning to their life. They only seem to care about how they’re seen and the most basic pleasures.

      And I’ve never thought of telenovelas like that! But then again, I grew up without tv and still absolutely don’t want one, even though it’s not because I don’t want to give the Devil a window into my house 😉

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  4. 9/10 of the women who see that truth behind maleness: autistics & lesbians. Notice how these are the 2 groups of girls getting aggressively transed? I’m convinced that Valerie Solanas was an Aspie, because SCUM is the most brilliant, no-frills telling of that. My life is divided into before & after reading Scum

    Liked by 1 person

    1. She certainly was right about some things. The foundation of the whole trans movement is that women aren’t people and should fit in a very narrow band. But something has changed. They no longer try to make all women fit into that narrow band, but they instead try to define all those who don’t obey perfectly away and just remove any need to think about them. Of only because murdering all of us at the moment isn’t an option.

      And I have a pretty awful confession to make. I’m actually going to model again after being asked to be the face of a pretty major campaign. I fear I’m just too vain and greedy.

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  5. ehhhh – keep blogging to repent;-) Can’t say that i won’t have taken your opportunities if i wasn’t doomed to being a sickie. I didn’t consciously leave the mans’ world >< i got forced out by illness. TBH i have a twinge of missing the admiration

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  6. See from a dark humorous perspective:
    Man’s confession: “I sexually abused a child & beat a puppy”
    Womans: “I’m gonna get some pics taken of me”

    ….:-)))

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  7. I don’t think it’s just greed. also the fact that women’re massively impoverished, so accumulating’ll make you & your kid feel safer for the moment….
    until the creeps start warring, or pull another GFC, or put restrictions on females owning $, or screw up the banks.
    I grew entirely without $ literally: my country didn’t have a currency until’ 96. I know very well that $ is flimsy & entirely prone to mens’ whims + supported by violence.

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  8. I’ve wondered whether us sex maniacs, had a social role to play in times past.
    If we bonobo-like @ some point – then we’d be the ones instigating the social bonding via sex play
    THat’d also make sense as to why males are so utterly useless @ matching us — cos they’re subordinate in that system.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That makes sense in a way, although I tend to be very careful with such evolutionary psychology. It’s quite a doubtful field because it tends to argue from perceived outcomes while we have far too little in the way of information about what was actually happening. And even then, time hasn’t stood still since then, and behaviour is incredibly complicated.
      And men just are worthless parasites, no matter how you look at it.

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      1. Of course they are – that’s why I’m done with listening to reformists. I spent 2 painful years of my life headbutting with them.

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      2. i don’t think in terms of evolution ; as much as history being shored up in our bodies as the only source males haven’t written us out of. They’ve scrubbed everything else clean with acid. It’s happening as we speak: radical blogs get deleted, Dworkin’s books’re out of print (when she’s only been dead 14 years)

        Liked by 1 person

      3. That’s true. They haven’t yet been able to do that, although they’re working hard on also scrubbing our bodies clean.
        Fortunately, we have some means at our disposal, and much more importantly, we have each other and no matter what they try,they can’t stop us talking.

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      4. i felt like i was going mad before i found other nuts like u [hiding out on WordPress]. Because both reformists + token torturers
        were convincing me I was crazy & thought-stopping
        Now I know the name for this practice: Gaslight

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Yes. And that’s why it’s so important to maintain some sort of online presence, although I have to confess that I don’t really have the time to write right now.

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      6. they messed with bodies strongly too – which we’re so freaking ill, good-looking & constantly fertile with the resulting blood-bath of menstruation & enormous fetuses. They BRED us for max. baby making]
        In my case : being so wired feels plain szichophrenic

        Liked by 1 person

  9. And being a supremely logical being, I don’t accept any way around 2+ 2= 4.
    The vast majority’ll believe it’s 4.1 thru a myriad of methods

    Liked by 1 person

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